5 Signs You’re Facing Toxic Shame: Stay Alert!

Signs You’re Facing Toxic Shame. Photo: Unsplash.com/Kyle Broad.

Shame is an emotion that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. It is a natural response to behavior that contradicts our internal values or social norms.

However, when shame becomes toxic, it can significantly impact our emotional well-being and overall quality of life.

According to therapist Amber Smith, toxic shame is a feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred that is ingrained in our thoughts, actions, and relationships.

It erodes our self-esteem and well-being by obstructing our ability to see our true worth and distancing us from our authentic selves.

Experts have identified 5 signs that you may be experiencing toxic shame:

1. Chronic Self-Criticism

One of the main indicators of toxic shame is the presence of an internal voice that constantly belittles and criticizes us for every small thing we do. We may find ourselves engaging in negative self-talk, perpetually criticizing our abilities, appearance, or worthiness.

"Such self-deprecating dialogue reinforces feelings of worthlessness and triggers a cycle of shame," says self-help author and counselor Arlin Cuncic. Therefore, she recommends breaking this habit by challenging our negative self-beliefs and affirming to ourselves that just because we think something briefly doesn’t make it true.

2. Excessive Guilt

Another sign that we are facing toxic shame is feeling guilty excessively, even when we haven't done anything wrong. While healthy guilt is a manifestation of shame aimed at correcting negative behavior, this kind of guilt is toxic because it consumes a lot of time and keeps us stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, hindering our ability to forgive ourselves.

As a result, we may continuously feel guilty or believe that we are fundamentally bad. To counteract this, it’s essential to cultivate a dialogue of self-acceptance and forgiveness within ourselves.

3. Toxic Perfectionism

Toxic perfectionism refers to the unhealthy drive to do everything perfectly and adhere to unrealistic high expectations. Psychotherapist Dr. Jacqueline Burnett-Brown describes this as “behavior driven by shame” because it stems from the belief that one must be perfect to be accepted or loved, leading to a relentless, futile pursuit of perfection.

Perfectionism can be paralyzing and evoke feelings of inadequacy, which reinforces the cycle of shame. To break this cycle, Dr. Burnett-Brown advises embracing the idea of making mistakes and setting more realistic, manageable, and achievable goals for ourselves, which will boost our self-esteem instead of diminishing it.

4. Emotional Detachment

"Toxic shame often leads to a fear of being vulnerable and showing your true self to others," says clinical psychologist Dr. Alex Klein. We may find it challenging to open ourselves up emotionally due to an overwhelming fear of judgment, rejection, or neglect.

This fear can prevent us from forming deep and meaningful connections, isolating us from those around us. "Seeking support and discussing our shame can help diminish its power," explains Dr. Klein. Engaging in such conversations may also provide valuable insights into how to heal from it.

5. Difficulty Accepting Compliments

Similar to perfectionism, those struggling with toxic shame often find it challenging to accept praise from others. According to psychologist Dr. Guy Winch, receiving compliments can feel uncomfortable if it contradicts our existing beliefs about ourselves. Instead of internalizing positive feedback, we may immediately dismiss it, feeling unworthy of recognition.

However, rejecting positive reinforcement only strengthens our negative self-perception and perpetuates the cycle of toxic shame. It’s essential to learn how to accept positive feedback with an open mind and use it as evidence of our worthiness as we begin to feel toxic shame taking hold.

Toxic shame can be an insidious and damaging force that affects many aspects of our lives. However, its grip can be healed and overcome. Addressing toxic shame may be a challenging journey, but it is crucial for our well-being and personal growth.